It is a famous quote and one which most of us would agree with. I can certainly admit that being told to ‘calm down’ usually only makes me more agitated! And it’s all rooted in neuroscience and how our brain works – read my previous post I’m not stupid - I’m panicking - for more on that.
Yet, there are lots of situations where calming down is exactly what is needed and I am not only talking about my work with children here. When it comes to the way the brain works, adults often need handling just as carefully as the kids.
So, if telling someone won’t work, what can we do instead?
Ask don’t tell
Nobody likes being told what to do, so don’t even waste your time trying. Asking questions – especially the right questions - is a much better strategy.
It’s a classic classroom technique to offer children two choices. Skilled parents and teachers will ensure both choices achieve what they want or need to happen, but it allows the child to think that they are in control. One example is when a child is reluctant to write and you ask: do you want to write your story in your book or type it on the computer? Another could be used to move a misbehaving child away from others that they are disrupting or risk hurting: run around the field with me or sit in the quiet corner?
The point is that the child is being asked and not told what to do. Often when we become dysregulated, we feel out of control. Making a choice allows us to regain some of that control back. In a situation where someone needs to calm down, questions can be helpful:
What do you need?·
What can I do?·
Who can help?
Would you like me to help or leave you alone?
Do you want to talk about it or not?
You are gently nudging their thinking from whatever is overwhelming them towards something that may help calm them.
I am reminded here of my training in coaching, where there is a focus on sticking to ‘what’ questions. ‘Why’ and ‘how’ questions can be perceived as judgemental and, when someone is already emotionally struggling, such interrogative questions are likely to make it worse. Often with children, they don’t know why they feel like that, so asking them isn’t helpful.
Hopefully, you will agree that the second set of questions feel a lot less threatening.
Avoid ‘At Least’
It is such a tempting thing to say. “I know you’re upset about … but at least it isn’t … something worse” or “that does seem bad but at least you’ve still …”
The problem with the ‘at least’ phrase though is that it minimises someone’s feelings. Yes, there is always something worse than whatever is bothering us. But we know that, and we don’t need reminding of it. It will just make us feel like we are over-reacting or that our own feelings aren’t as important as other’s. Whatever the cause, an emotional person is only going to feel worse if you imply they shouldn’t be displaying those emotions. Remember what we say to children: all feelings are okay (even if all behaviours are not).
Small Acts of Comfort
For me, the go to response when faced with an emotional situation, is a cup of tea. Will it solve anything? No. But what it does do is say ‘I care, I’m here, I want to make you feel better.’ Even a non-tea drinker should appreciate the effort that you have taken a little time to prepare something for them.
And there are plenty of other small acts that can do the same: wrapping a coat or cardigan around their shoulders, offering a box of tissues, a simple hug. With children you could try a cosy blanket, cuddly toy, allowing them to sit in your special chair or (perhaps not in the classroom but in home situations) a sweet treat.
There’s no easy answer to calming someone down. People react differently and what soothes one person can enflame another. The best de-escalation strategy for a particular child can be completely ineffective on the next. You may think you are pouring water on the fire, only to discover it is oil!
But just remember, telling an out-of-control brain to calm down is like writing the fire-extinguishing instructions on paper and waving them at it.
In this essay I have focussed on what someone else can do to help a person when they need to calm down. For a whole toolkit of resources to teach children how to calm themselves, please check out my previous post here which includes some useful links, strategies and resources.
And if you are the person who others are regularly saying ‘calm down’ to, then you may find some of the wellbeing and mindset resources in my archives useful.